Thursday, 24 May 2012

Warning: Contains Explicit Language

I turned 40 on Tuesday. Happy Birthday to me...NOT! I spent the first part of my birthday with my head entrenched in the toilet bowl, thanks to a nice little stomach virus my little darlings decided to share with me, and the second part semi consious trying to will away the god-awful feeling that someone had decided to use my small and large intestines for shoelace tying practice.
Normally that would be enough to send me over the edge of self pity I am usually teetering on right into the pits of Why Fucking Me Land,but not this year because tomorrow night I am going out,well not just out I am actually going away for a whole kids. I know!  HUGE!!!!!
I didn't even care that my illness lasted into the second day and so put me two days behind on my plan of escape. I felt brilliant this morning, got the kids to  school without any dramas and began my list of things to do. Clean my pig sty of a house was top of the list. I want to enjoy this weekend and not have to worry about messy bedrooms or filthy floors. I was on fire and well on my way to mission completion when it was time to pick the kids up. I was not concerned that I still had to get a few things from the shops, order and pick up pizza (no need to mess up a clean kitchen when we can have pizza) and finish moping the floors and cleaning the bathroom which I planned on doing while colouring my hair because today I am the Queen of Multi-Tasking.
Things started to deteriorate when I arrived at the boys school. Ryan was first out of the gate. No Hello but that is not unusual.
ME: "Did you have a good day?" .
RYAN:  "Yes,  No, I don't bloody know why do you have to ask such stupid questions?"
I began to rethink my idea of doing shops/pizza on the way home.
Shaun was next, his usual chilled out self.
Then Pierce and his Aide. We started to have a bit of a chat about Pierces day when I hear a voice from the car scream. "STOP TALKING DON'T YOU KNOW I'VE HAD A BAD DAY?"
Ummmm I think we established that with my previous question?
Definitely not a great idea taking *that* to the shops. Thankfully my Mum lives one door away from us so I took Shaun and Ryan home and continued on with my plan with Pierce and Darcy in tow.
I decided to order the pizza before we shopped so I could pick it up on the way home. Not easy with two kids screaming while trying  to escape from the car but I did it.
Next the shopping. The instant we entered the shop Pierce went into Aspie mode. Spinning like only an Aspie can. Arms outstretched twirling to his hearts content as if there was no one else around. I guess in his head, at that moment, there wasn't. Then Darcy decided this spinning thing looked like fun. Awesome. I now had two kids spinning their way down the aisles with me trying to warn people as they headed their way. Darcy not being a regular *spinner* began to fall over and run into shelves but this did not deter her. Three aisles down and I decided I didn't really need the rest of the things on my list and headed for the checkout. Once there the spinning stopped and the *why is it taking so long* began. My nerves were a little frayed by the time I had paid for my things and were totally gone by the time I got two giddy, hyper kids back to the car. Then Darcy decided to pull an *I'm not getting in my seat* moment.Every time I buckled her up she unbuckled and started climbing around the car.Pierce getting impatient for his pizza started screaming at her and I finally got her to sit still and we were off. My earlier winning attitude had given way to *Lord just get me home.*
Sounds like hell, right? Well just wait til you read what happens next!
Two minutes down the road and I hear the car behind me beeping his horn frantically. WTF????
We came to a halt in the line of traffic and the elderly gentleman hopped out of his car and walked up to my window. (It gets REALLY good now)
OLD MAN: "I just saw a red wallet fly off the roof of your car as you drove out of  the Bi-Lo carpark.
Yes,  in the chaos I had decided it would be a good idea to place my wallet on the roof of our car so I had both hands free to deal with Miss Darcy.
Just two weeks ago I would have been able to do a quick U-turn and be back to where I had come from in no time at all. Today however due to major roadwork's I had to wait in traffic for 10  minutes to get through a set of traffic lights so I could wait in more traffic for another 10 minutes so I could drive in the opposite direction of where I wanted to go to get back to where I started.
As you can imagine the drive back was torture. I was freaking which meant Pierce was freaking so Darcy also decided to start freaking.
We finally got back to the car park and I started looking knowing full well I had no chance of it still being there. After 10 minutes of  searching I finally gave in and went back to my car. By now I had started to get teary. Shit what do I do? OK I will ring Mum. I went to get my phone from the car. Can't find my phone....FUUUUCK my phone was with my wallet.ON.TOP.OF.MY.CAR!
Pierce decided to ask me :"what's worse Mum losing the wallet or your phone?"
ME: "My wallet, without it we have no money and no way to  get  money and aghhhhh"
Pierce all of a sudden realised no money meant no pizza and started to melt down immediately. Having Aspergers means he cannot really relate to my distress but the fact he may NOT get his beloved Domino's Pizza is more then he can take.
I was about to completely lose my mind when the roof of the car started ringing. The phone was still on the roof!!!
It was Mum : "Are you ok Sweetheart? A lady just rang she has your wallet."
ME: "Waaaaaaaa!"
My Mums voice and the fact that someone had found my wallet, looked at my license, rang directory assistance to get my number and phoned to tell me she had it, was the end of me.
ME:"where is she? Where is my wallet?"
Mum:"Well she's on her way to pick her daughter up she'll be home in 20 minutes."
ME: "Shit I have pizza waiting to be picked up.No money!"
Love my Mums guts, she sent her Husband to meet me at Domino's, with money. He took Pierce home and I drove to my new best friends house.
She was in the shower so her son gave me my wallet.Probably a good thing because I would have declared undying love for her or offered her one of my children as a thank you! Amazing lady, she will be getting a personal thank you tomorrow.
It's now 8.30pm. I have mopped (a little frantically), cleaned bathroom, coloured hair and got all four children to bed, if not asleep.
I was not in the greatest of moods. I did hear Pierce mention something about me being a bit irrational...might have been the fact that I kept yelling at them to NOT move off their beds until the floor was dry?
I am back on schedule and sooooo ready for tomorrow night and after tonight I think my children might be a little happier to see me go.
Oh and I really hope my Husband understands why, when he got home from work at 7.30pm with a HUGE LCD TV that a friend gave him and he asked me to help him move it and then suggested I move the telly in our bedroom to the kids room and the new telly to our room and plug all the leads in and tune them in and set up the Playstation 3, was met with very little enthusiasm. I think he is lucky to still be able to walk!

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